Too Small To Be Big by Simon Wood

by Simon Wood

I’ll never be a bestselling author. It was never my intention. Seriously, it wasn’t. I just wanted to be published and published well (and hopefully earn a few schekles along the way to keep me stocked in Walnut Whips). But I can dream. It’s cool to think that one day my name could be a household word where sycophants might hang on my every utterance—but that won’t happen, because I’ll never reach bestsellerdom. And it has nothing to do with talent, lucky breaks or anything like that. I’ll never be a bestselling author because I’m just not big enough to be a bestseller. Physically, I’m mean. At 5’ 4” (actually I’m 5’ 4 1/2”, but my wife, Julie, laughs because I toss in the 1/2”), I’m not a tall guy and short guys don’t make it to the NY Times bestseller list.

You’re probably laughing at me too (that’s if you can see me down here amongst the grass blades), but you can’t ignore the facts. Stephen King floats around six-three. Harlan Coben is in that realm, as is Steve Hamilton. Two of the biggest selling authors are two of the biggest people in publishing. The late Michael Crichton was six-seven or something and they have to divert air traffic around John Grisham wherever he goes. That’s why you don’t see him out promoting his books too much these days. The FAA hates it when he leaves a fixed position.

This is probably why many women don’t sell as well as their male counterparts. It’s not sex discrimination. It’s height discrimination. Obviously there some bestselling female authors, like Gayle Lynds, but wait, Gayle stand at 5’ 10”—taller in heels. The tall persons club strikes again.

Having attended a number of mystery conventions, I’ve gotten to see these literary and physical giants wandering around the convention halls banging into ceiling lights with their heads while I had to have someone lift me up to reach the elevator button. I used to cast a glance their way and think, wouldn’t it great to be like them. Then I realized, I can’t. I’m not a member of the big guy club. I’m just not big enough to get on their ride. No wonder I’m with a smaller publishing house. It’s for little people only.

Personally, I think it’s a conspiracy of big people. First, they get their own “big and tall” stores, now they all want to be bestselling authors. How long will it be before agents start asking for previous publishing credits and height details? Not long, my short-legged friends.

Personally, I think it has to stop. A short guy needs to make it to the NY Times bestseller list to bust open this discrimination—and I think that short guy should be me. What I need you all to do is buy at least five copies of my new book, Terminated, and tell friends and family to do the same. It’s available from Barnes and Noble and all good independent bookstores as well as online. Together, we can make a short guy stand on the shoulders of giants.

Just in case you’re wondering if this is a shallow attempt to get you to buy my next book, I’d like to quote Francis Urquhart, “You might think so. I couldn’t possibly comment.”

BIO:

Simon Wood is an ex-racecar driver, a licensed pilot and an occasional private investigator. He shares his world with his American wife, Julie. Their lives are dominated by a longhaired dachshund and five cats. He’s had over 150 stories and articles published. His short fiction has appeared in a variety of magazines anthologies, such as Seattle Noir, Thriller 2 and Woman’s World. He’s a frequent contributor to Writer’s Digest. He’s the Anthony Award winning author of Working Stiffs, Accidents Waiting to Happen, Paying the Piper and We All Fall Down. As Simon Janus, he’s the author of The Scrubs and Road Rash. His latest thriller, Terminated, is out in mass paperback. Curious people can learn more at www.simonwood.net.

Brian Lindenmuth

Brian is the non-fiction editor of Spinetingler magazine and one of the fiction editors of Snubnose Press. In addition to Spinetingler his work has appeared in Crimespree magazine and at BSC Review, Galleycat and the Mulholland Books website. He also heads the Spinetingler Award committee.

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