NETWORK NOTES: We don’t like the detective very much here. He doesn’t stop the bad guy, has no plan, and at the end sort of just puffs after him yelling like an idiot.
ME: It’s real. It’s what really happens when people are confronted with these types of things. Especially quirky amateurs.
NETWORK NOTES: Again, seems like a pussy.
ME: I get that. Maybe he’ll just seem flawed but in an endearing way.
NETWORK NOTES: We also don’t understand why he says the part about not paying the hooker. Why does he consider that to be relevant to all this?
ME: He’s got a good heart. The hooker seemed so nice and he feels for her.
NETWORK NOTES: He’s not gonna do something stupid in the next episode is he? Like call the hooker and meet her at a coffee shop and pay her the money she’s owed.
I return to my office and call the police. Two and a half hours later they arrive, turning my USA detective show into a hard-boiled network cop series. Two female uniforms, serious women, women who clearly do not want to be hearing from some jackass waving an envelope with the word HOOKER! written on the bottom.
I detail my story, knowing how impressed they’re going to be by the number of clues I’ve already amassed…
COP: Sir. Before you continue…I want to say something to you.
ME: Of course, officer.
COP: I need you to understand that it is against the law to file a false police report sir. It is a crime.
ME: Are you kidding me?
COP: I am not.
ME: Are you suggesting I’m making this up? Why? To cover up for the fact that a hooker has called my home demanding money from me? Do you think I’m a whore-r? (sp?)
COP: It’s a strange story, sir. Very strange. Doesn’t add up. They seem to know a lot about you.
ME: They were in my office for four hours! I’m pretty sure they weren’t having sex the whole time. God knows I couldn’t.
NETWORK NOTES: We like this part. Conflict between our guy and the system. Of course they would suspect that. Maybe our guy did do it. Maybe it’s all a scam. Like Usual Suspects. We love that movie. People wouldn’t expect that.
ME: He didn’t do it. There’s security camera footage which shows the plucky hooker and the big tall John.
NETWORK NOTES: We need to see that. Security camera footage is always cool.