Everybody looks the same, ain’t no fuckin movie stars here. You want pretty? Get a mirror, ain’t nobody pretty. You ain’t got money and you look like everyone else. If you’re lucky you wind up fuckin someone just as ugly as you. Or you don’t get fucked at all. Ugly as you are. Like everyone else.
Yeah, well, you know how beautiful she is? You know how much I’d spend for a girl like that? And I hear this shit talk sometimes – I’m guilty of objectification. You know what objectifyin is? It’s when you think a woman’s pretty and you treat her that way. That bullshit you talk, how everyone’s ugly? Don’t matter what you think’s ugly. Matters what she think’s ugly. And no one knows how women think.
I was supposed to see a woman the other night. But I got a job to do first. It’s night and it’s rainin and I’m drivin and the road’s slick. But I’m allowin for that, there’s shotguns in my trunk and this delivery has to happen on time. Eight o’clock, eight-thirty, they’ll allow for the weather, no big deal. Drive safe. But I gotta allow for other drivers and you know these stupid fucks, road gets wet and they wanna skid home fast as they can. Don’t hit my car assholes is what I’m thinkin, I can’t even shoot your stupid ass if you do. I ain’t carryin a piece, not with shotguns in my trunk. I got a thing I need to do and a thing I want to do and they both gotta get done on time. And if I’m late on the job? Those guys get pissed off they can make things hard on me, but I bet they hire me again anyway. Late for the date? I bet I never see her again. Good thing I got a wife who believes in me.
So, this girl? Your date I mean, not your wife. But… you gimme this fuckin lecture ’bout getting someone ugly as me – what are you fuckin, livestock? You ain’t fit for human company, but you’re livin on the mercy of women. You got a Goddess or you got a bitch and you don’t know ’til she fucks you or she fucks you over. Maybe both. Cuz that’s love, right? So I got this beauty but I ain’t got her at all, she won’t even give me her number, but she comes in and sees me at work – this bar where I have meetings, you know – she’s all pretty and smiles and flirts and she’s happy as hell to walk away friendly and make me want. Thing is, with other shit, I want and I take. Not with women, though. I respect them. What I don’t respect is life.
Jesus, you talk like you work in a fuckin café or somethin. Some girl comes in where you work, she ain’t just showin up for coffee. She flirts and you let her walk, you ain’t showin respect. That’s fear. What are you, in high school? She wants exactly what you’re sayin, to fuck you or fuck you over. If she don’t know you, unless she’s crazy you’re lettin a fuck walk away. Maybe she is crazy. Cuz, hell, she keeps comin back. And you say she’s pretty. And pretty has options. She got a crush on you, you gotta cash that chip. Unless you don’t really want it.
Whaddaya mean, not want it? You think you’re the great stud. I know what you look like, and I bet I know what your income’s like. It’s like mine; it’s okay, pays for a good time sometimes, keeps you out of the hole. We ain’t dyin, but we’re always dyin. That’s life. So you go fuck some girl and you think that’s great cuz you made it out of the rain. Got the rifles out of your trunk without gettin busted, got laid if you got lucky. And you think that makes you better than me cuz I ain’t ballin this girl, but lemme tell you. She’s better than anything you’ll ever get in your life, she’s better than anyone I ever had, and that ain’t idealizing, it’s a fucking fact. You call me a pussy but you wouldn’t get close to a girl like this, and me and her we got something going. I don’t know what it is but I ain’t scared. I always been busy when she comes by. Rather be busy with her, but neglect the job and it gets dangerous. Fuck up with her, I don’t get killed. Not yet. She don’t know me well enough.
Yeah, it’s all love and beauty when you don’t know em. When they don’t know you. And she’s never gonna know you. How much you gonna talk? To me you talk plenty, but you gonna tell a girl how you feel? I know you ain’t tellin her about your jobs. About the only thing safe to talk to women about is movies, then you take em to one. Don’t talk about old movies either, nothin old, nothin so they know how old you are. They already know they look better than you. Like you say, women think different, they think looks ain’t everything. Your problem is, you want everything. You know it ain’t out there, not in one package, but you try to put it there. Just try to get laid, you’ll move a lot faster. Try to make that girl perfect, you’re dead of old age and she’s still out there. Treat her like what you want, but not everything you want.
That’s fine, you talk like that, you get your fifty dollar quickies, you get blowjobs and you don’t even know if it’s a girl, but you don’t need everything together, you’re happy. You talk like I’m an idiot for wanting more than you settle for. What you get, learn yoga and suck your own dick, you’ll be just as happy. I ain’t holdin out, I take what comes my way, but Carla? That’s who I want, and I’ll get her but I won’t dope her or rape her. I got higher standards than you.
That rape charge was bullshit and you know it. Shit, I bought that bitch drinks, we went back to her place, she was into all of it. I didn’t have to force nothin. She says the second time was rape – we’re in bed together and we been drinkin and who knows what happened? I don’t remember a thing, I bet she don’t either. Anyway, it was a goddamn party and she changed her mind after. You can’t change your mind. You don’t know what the fuck you want. Oh your true love. Oh the depths of all that fucking if it ever happens. You never tellin her nothin. True love in your eyes. And nowhere else.
I don’t get laid so much since I got married. But sometimes there’s women. I won’t jeopardize my marriage, me and my wife we got a thing, but I ain’t givin up life completely. Thing is, it’s more work to pick em up than it used to be. So mostly it’s a whore here, a whore there – a good one’s gonna love me just as much as any chick in a bar, and I don’t have to work to get her, I just have to pay. With a pickup you gotta do both. And hell, a good whore I pay right’s gonna love me at least as much as you get from any girl you fall in love with.
I work hard too, I hear what you’re sayin and I know the truth in it. I also know the bullshit. You had a good whore before, you get a good whore again, you know what she’s gonna give you. I don’t mean AIDS, you can get that from true love, I mean you know how far a whore’s love goes. It ain’t love, it’s a job. She gets paid, she wants to get paid again, she does a good job. Plumbers are like that too. They want repeat business. I want the fucks you get when you’re in love. I want the fucks that mean you’re gonna get more, and you’re gonna get em forever.
You want the fucks you get when you’re young. Even if they was offered, you ain’t young. They wouldn’t be the same. The shit you want don’t happen much. When it does, it’s people close enough in age they got shit in common. You got more in common with any man in prison than you got with any woman alive. You can’t tell her what you do. Call it true love if you want. You can’t ever be true.
You’re honest because you’re an asshole?
That’s what honesty is. You could be honest too. Lemme tell you somethin. I ain’t no liberal, you know that, but there’s guys bitch about gay this and gay that, they hear about transgender and they act all shocked. Fuck that. They’re guys, they wanna put it in a hole, they just wanna dream it’s the hole that makes them a man. Ain’t no hole makes you a man. Holes just make you feel good when you fill em. Some pretty gal says to me, “Hey, I’m transgender,” I’m gonna say I don’t care if you’re transgender. I wanna know what body parts you got and what I can do with em.
You are one sick fuck.
I’m a happy fuck. Cuz unlike you, I actually do it, I don’t wait for when it’s perfect. Perfect might never come. Me, I come all the time. And you, you used to fuck around all over, but now you find some girl and you got this dream in your head. And you think that’s love. You know what love is? I talk to my wife and she talks to me. I take care of her and she takes care of me. And we still fuck each other, been doing all those things a lotta years. So long as we wanna keep doing all those things – that’s love.
But you’re still out there filling holes.
Life feels like a vacuum sometimes. Gotta make sure it didn’t become one.
But when you met your wife – maybe back then, before you got so fucking wise, you felt like I feel now. See, that’s the thing. You don’t wind up with that woman you stay with when you’re just goin from fuck to fuck. Sure you want in her pants again after the first time, but somewhere along the way you talked, and you knew this was someone you actually liked. Someone you’d want to still be there when you didn’t feel like fucking. I know I ain’t got that with Carla yet, but there’s something there. I gotta find out what it is.
You know what? You’re half right. You gotta try to find out. But you could love that woman and live with her the rest of your life, you’ll never find out what it is. You just find out you wanna keep knowin. Even if it takes a lifetime.
Yeah, that’s what I figure. But a lifetime? That could be hours, could be years. Hard to say. I got a job to do, I could die any day.
That’s what happens you step outside your house. Or into someone’s heart.
And I don’t step into things, I step on em. Anyway, I gotta go, got a job to do.
Yeah, me too. See ya man. Watch your step.
Rob Pierce wrote the novel Uncle Dust. His novel Vern In The Heat will be published by All Due Respect in March 2016. The editor of Swill Magazine and an editorial consultant with All Due Respect Books, Rob has been nominated for a Derringer Award for short crime fiction and has had stories published in Flash Fiction Offensive, Pulp Modern, Plots With Guns, The Big Click, Near To The Knuckle, and Shotgun Honey, among others. He lives and will probably die in Oakland, California.